Ang wakas at panimula

If there's anything I know about me and my childhood, it's that gusto ko maging abogado. Kahit na my stubborn-lazy-procrastiantor self does not have any idea how, doon ako sigurado yung I know that I will be lawyer, but I also know that it will be a war against myself.

Hello, ako si Jassy, isang procrastinator, tumatawa sa sarili niyang joke, at isang EXO-L. At hayaan niyo po akong ibahagi sa inyo ang almost 9-year journey ko para maging isang ganap na abogada.  

Being in Ateneo Law School felt like a dream. An experience too good to be true. The school was and is my impossible dream. Pero dahil panaginip, isang malaking bangungot nung I got kicked out sa program. I can remember singing “Mary for you! For your white and blue” sa utak ko while getting called for recit since we were proudly wearing green dahil natalo ng DLSU ang Ateneo sa UAAP (hello up there father b! hehehe). 

San Beda College Alabang School of Law welcomed me with open arms, emphasizing on it becoming a second home. A home so comfortable that I had to struggle to come out alive. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. 

Anyway. As I read every success story of a bar exam passer, I always remember to look for the kwentos of those who were a struggling law student just like me. A procrastinator. Someone I can relate to. For me, to read someone’s story who passed na honor student was like “ahhh, oo para sayo talaga yan.” But I almost never heard of a story of someone so ordinary, yung hindi naman talaga ligwak sa classes but may days na tamad, at medyo may law school and life balance. 

Kaso ako, I was the type of student who can get a bokya on an exam/recitation or may be that one who would get a high grade na panira ng curve. So when I say that I cherish my every high grade, I sincerely do because I may have literally flunked that subject on my first take or that I may have a nganga recit experience on my previous recit day.

So I was left to wonder, what happens to the procrastinators? Will I be able to tell my story? But then, the fact that I am alive is a miracle, so staying alive would be enough *wink wink* , right? 

Where should I begin? 

After three years of undergraduate studies at De La Salle University and rightfully earning my BS Legal Management degree, most of my blockmates and I entered law school. Majority of us went to Ateneo. (Woooh salamat LGL BLOCK 13, hello Block C)! 

On our orsem, I can still recall on how I will introduce myself as the “kid who was not supposed to be here”, but here I am. As a procrastinator and an inconsistent person, I barely made it out alive during our first semester. 

Highlight for my first semester was passing the internship program of the Ateneo Human Rights Center. If anything, though apprehensive, being a member of the org felt like I now belong. That maybe, I can stay and make it.

But then, I miserably failed a subject. My favorite subject. While we were on immersion pa! Though grateful that I can still continue, I started second semester knowing that it will definitely be my last one there. True to our batch’s theme, I embraced second semester as if I was a tribute at the annual Hunger Games and as a naturally clumsy and fragile person, I will be the fallen soldier, the next one out. 

It was also during the second semester when I really bonded with my friends, the South Kids - Liz, Laine, Ayie, Lans, Kaila, Beau, and Patrick and the APID - Bryan, Pearl, Yvan, Kenneth, Annielle, Mara, Angel, Gel, Fritz, Vince, and Lois, and my Marasang Batchmates – Lans, Jin, Chelle, Athena, Aylene, Chelsea, Mea, Den, Angel, Missy, Lexx, Gil, Pepe, Phil, Harvey, Tatay Pads, Jason, Armand, Yori, and Marlon. So experience wise, it was truly worthwhile. 

Before taking my final exam for OBLICON, I gaze outside the window overlooking Bel-Air to my left and my crushessss to my right. It felt like it was the proper goodbye. 

My heart still broke when I officially saw the result, and hurriedly, I needed to look for a school to transfer. I was so ashamed that I did not even consider transferring to DLSU, it felt like the uni does not deserve an alumnae like me. A failure. After all, Lasalle felt like the proud parent who sent me to the side with greener grass. 

At that point, I was considering transferring to SLU up north, or maybe USC, or even at Mindanao State University just to regroup.

Though I am lacking in self-confidence, the stubborn dreamer in me still hopes that she’ll be a lawyer, so quitting was never an option. Paulit ulit na mantra, gusto ko maging abogado. Magiging abogado ako. 

A former blockmate Patrick and Wiann suggested that if all I wanted was to go out of the usual Metro, why not consider moving to San Beda College Alabang. A school that I did not even know that exists. Napakalayo kaya ng Alabang sa Navotas!

And as I got interviewed by the Dean himself, it really felt like a second chance. He listened and understood where I was coming from.

See, I was the praning kid who believes she does not deserve any good thing happening. Me and my self-destructive attitude that caused me too many failures. Good thing for second chances. Deeply. 

Anywaaay, the first three years at SBCA was exhausting and yet I made it out almost unscathed (except for that one class that I successfully passed with a high grade the semester after). 

I heard of horror stories about the review subjects, and I was so confident that I can make it. After all, it was just the summary of the three years. Right? I am not me if things will just miraculously end up my way. I failed three subjects on my supposed last year in law school. One of which was that same subject I failed on my first semester at ALS. My favorite subject! Hahaha. The amount of self-doubts are just rushing. The what ifs and what could have beens. The guilt.  The how can I make this pain go away. 

But on that day I found out that I won’t be able to graduate “on time”, well, a day later, my parents said: MAG SERYOSO KA NA, WALA KA NAMANG MAGAGAWA NA. Repeatedly I was praying, "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things that I can."

Well, my parents are not as expressive as I was hoping they would be. Sure, I was scolded. But if anything, they were supportive. After all, my dream became theirs too. And so, we can’t give up now. Right? 

With an optimistic heart, I embraced school year 2018-2019. If anything, kung magpapadala ka sa emosyon mo marahil marami kang mapagsisishan kung hindi mo pa gagawin ang mga bagay na pwde mo pang gawin. Isantabi ang sarili, muling bumalik sa layanunin, magsimula muli.

It was still a struggle though I only took three subjects. But the most memorable moment was taking my final exam for that one subject I was taking for the first semester. 

You see, I purposely did not claim my exam permit during the mids. Pwede naman. Ata. Hahaha. The reason was that I was too shy for our professor to see that hers was the only subject I was taking. Nagretake kasi ako ng subject niya, tapos siya ulit ang pinili ko. 

Ganito kasi, at the beginning of our exam, she would roam the room signing every exam permit. We were arranged alphabetically, so I was at the back. Maybe one of the last ones she signed.

I was already beginning to read the first question, kasi ang dami namin sa class, when our professor asked for my permit and I shyly gave mine. She then asked, in disbelief: ITO LANG ANG CLASS MO? I started tearing up, and said “opo” then I looked away. I saw her pained expression, it felt like I disappointed her. But what else can I do? I still need to answer her exam. Had to drink water after that encounter, focus, and pass. 

The plot twist was knowing a semester later that I allegedly got the highest grade for our final exam. Which led me to have one of my longest recitation experience ever. Yung naabutan na ng bell at katok from her next class para lang matapos ang recit ko. Ah yes, she’s also the professor assigned to us for that other major subject. She is that good, believe me.

Beda experience gave me so many remarkable professors but among the professors that really made an impact on my life was Atty. Yamamoto (PERSONS, INSURANCE), Atty. Romero (NEGO and CORPO), Judge Palamos (CRIMPRO, SPECRO), Judge Wagan (CIVPRO, CRIMREV, REMREV). Professors who gave me an opportunity to prove my worth as a law student and soon to be lawyer. Those who gave me a chance, a second chance pa nga. I am just one of the many students who are eternally grateful to them because of how their lessons - academic and life, contributed to the person that I am today, and yung mga naging lawyer na gusto ko maging. Professors whom I wish to see someday again. Soon hopefully. Hehehe. 

Graduated last June 2019. Took the bar that November. Failed on April 2020. 

Are you seeing the pattern? Hahaha. Well, there’s no such thing as pattern. I still believe that we still control things. But you know, I need to find a flimsy explanation for my repeated failures. Like blame it to the universe, but still hoping an alternative universe version of myself is doing great.

Oh dear Lord, if you’re into “THIS IS NOT FOR ME,” then I am thankful you were unable to face the same struggles as me. Same as the last time I failed to graduate "kung magpapadala ka sa emosyon mo marahil marami kang mapagsisishan kung hindi mo pa gagawin ang mga bagay na pwde mo pang gawin. Isantabi ang sarili, muling bumalik sa layanunin, magsimula muli." 

Other than that repeated pattern of failure and self-doubts. The biggest obstacle I faced, our batch faced, was the COVID-19 GLOBAL PANDEMIC. All of us were affected. But it felt like the universe was truly saying, HEY THE WORLD IS ENDING, ARE YOU SURE YOU STILL WANT THIS? To focus during the review session was a struggle! But I had no choice, I already sacrificed a lot, we already did. Again, quitting is not really an option. 

Even when my baby pupper Jongin died, I had to march on. I can still remember hugging him for almost the entire day since he was not felling well. He was so down. After that online review class that I needed to attend, we had to confine him at a veterinary clinic. It did not end up well, since just almost three days later, he died. His death felt like his ultimate sacrifice for me. I looked at it that way, atleast. That his death will not be in vain for as long as I can pass (and take good care of her sister). 

Days, weeks, months passed. Suspension after another suspension of bar exam schedule. 

Though this is my second time, it felt entirely different from my first take. Felt a lot more pressured on the outcome, but studying was somehow easier since they were a bit more familiar. 

I was that person who overthinks a lot. But I am also not the type of person who dwells. 

What I did differently this time was to manifest things and secretly ask for signs, as well as to stick to my schedule no matter difficult it was.

I love watching series, may it be Korean, American, British, Chinese, Thai, or Japanese. For as long as I like the story and/or actor, I will definitely watch it. As a die hard EXO-L and Dandanie, all I was praying for was for Kyungsoo to play a role of a lawyer and/or anything in that field so that I can wish for myself to be part of that world too. 

You see, I am that type of kdrama fan who gets too immersed in a story that I would sometimes wish I was in that field or profession. Rumors about Kyungsoo playing a lead role at a KBS drama started. Edited pictures of him wearing a black robe spread. 

Then I started manifesting for him to play that role as a prosecutor and know that if he will, it is a sign that I too will become a lawyer. I was to absorbed in it that I even included the edited photos on my study table. 

And when the official news of him being the lead came, I swear it felt like an answered prayer. I knew there’s a lot for me to do and learn and study and lectures to attend, but it felt like I was truly a step closer to my dreams.

For most of my bar review days, I sincerely would like to thank TITA JOSIE, TITA HIDY, KUYA NERY, JANNINE, and KUYA JOENER. For months, we were all living together. Kasagsagan ng pandemic hehehe. They were very supportive during my review days. So I was truly well fed from Tita Josie’s cooking, to Tita Hidy’s merienda, to Kuya’s order, to Kuya Nery’s uwi from work and to Jannine for the midnight snacks.  Not having to worry and think about what to eat became a big deal for me, one less problem to worry about. Kaya salamat po ng marami. Food is definitely my love language, and so I felt all the love they gave me. Gained weight, lahat naman kami so patas lang. 

Thank you also to SBCA for your continuous efforts to help barristers like us. I deeply appreciate the mentorship program! I am so lucky to have my former professor, Atty. Isabel Romero as my mentor. There were a few times that I was almost exhausted, but then it would be one of those days when she asks about how we are. A perfect timing.

I also would like to thank Doc Diane who gave me a lecture on prioritizing my own sanity over negativity, eh tinanong ko lang naman kung sinong okay na mentor sa Jurists nkklk. For Tito Mike and his effortssss in randomly checking up on me, or kahit magupdate lang siya ng life niya, I truly appreciate it. 

To my besh Rik, na paminsan ko lang makausap pero ilang oras naman para makapag update lang kami sa buhay ng isa’t isa, ily besh. 

Salamat din kina Jex, Jia, Abigail ang mga kasama ko simula nung si Chris Tiu pa lang ang pinapangarap ko hanggang sa ngayong naabot ko na ang tunay kong pangarap hehehehe. Lalo kay Abby na laging pinapaalala na "kaya mo yan" "wag mo na isipin," sobrang laking bagay nung may pa reminder ka lang na oo nga pala, kakayanin ko to, kaya ko to. Sus. 

To my baliw friends Beb, Fara, and Tina na ang habol lang talaga namin sa isa’t isa ay chismis pero isang warm feeling ang kapalit dahil kinakaya kasama sila, salamat phowszx kahit na ginawa niyo kong alien friend. Mga hayerp. 

To Ate Cha and Ate Cla, mga upper batch ko pero nakasama kong magfangirl. Magulo man ang mundo ng stan tweet, pero pag kailangan ko ng katahimikan and laklak ng realidad, ilalike ko lang ang post o tweet nila at gumagaan na ulit yung buhay ko. Yung tipong, ahhh, sila pa rin yung totoo. Salamat mga ate!!!

To Tita McKay and Tita Hacker (pa rin hahahaha) alam kong deep inside mahal niyo naman akong dalawa, kahit na sobrang kulit ko talagang dalawa. Feel ko nga ambag ko lang talaga ay yung pangungulit at yung future role ko as mataray na secretary sayang talaga. Hope to see you soon ulit. Mwaaaaah.

Sa mga RP ng iskoexo: kuya kevin, kuya zi, kuya jun, kuya miko, kuya jd, kuya han, kuya poochie and engr jongin, kuya b and kuya chuchoy, ar. chongskie. Di man ako gaano nabiyayaan masyado ng EXO content noong pandemya, sila kuya naman ang naging distraction ko para kunyari may updates pa rin. Salamat mga kuya, lalo siguro dun sa mga adhikain niyong makatulong. Salamat sa pagpapaala. For a time kayo ang naging pahinga. 

To Ate Kim whom I met early pandemic, salamat for being my study buddy sa sandaling panahon, salamat po sa pagiging friend and kasama sa pag gastos para sa kpop hihihi. And to Ate Xia, na ang mga likhang storya ay nakapagpalimot sa akin ng panandalian sa realidad. Salamat at nakahanap ako ng totoong kaibigan sa inyo. Pati na rin kay Ms. Yani na pinagbigyan pa yung Hamilton ko kahit malayo ka na (for now). Pati sa moots na nakakausap paminsang sina Ren, Jem, and Dane na nangwelcome sa morning shift noong panahong nagbabago pa lang ang body clock ko. Salamat!

Sa mga RP ng kwento ni Ate Xia (na ang haba ng title di ko maalala pasensya na lab naman kita): sina colonel jongin and lt kyungsoo, doc baba and thirdy, teach ganda and heneral. Salamat sa pagbibigay buhay ng naging paborito kong kwentong tweetfic dahil na rin talaga kay ate kim. Sa mga panahong kinunsinti niyo ang SUPERMARKET FLWOERS COUNTER ko dahil sa lack of Kyungsoo content so dun ako sa crumbs kumapit at kailangan ko ng matinding distraction kasi magsisimula na yung review at alam kong hindi pa ako handa at wala pa sa tamang pagiisip. Sa panahong nagbibigay kayo ng mga aral and maturity. Sa pagpaparamdam ng concern. Sa mga kwento ni heneral na horror lalo na pag gabi lalo tuwing madaling araw pati sa pagpatol sa kakulitan ko. Sa mga midnight cravings ni teach, so damay damay na lang kahit nung una'y di naman talaga siya nagpupuyat. Sa pagsasabuhay ni doc baba sa kung sino si doc sa kwento, yung sobrang soft at bait, ramdam na ramdam ko pong ganoon din po talaga kayo. Sa pagdisiplina ni thirdy kapag sumusobra na o kaya masyado ng magulo. At parang tunay na buhay, on going ang kwento dahil walang ending. Namuhay ang mga karakter ng payapa sa kani kanilang buhay. Ang ganda. Makatotoohanan. Salamat po sa mga sandali at pagkakataon. Batid ko po ang inyong kaligtasan and kaligayahan, parati pa rin pong nandito para sa inyo. Stay strength po sa inyong lahat gaya nung Ang Probinsyano huhuhuhu

Kay Gel and Lucille, ang halos maging tunay na kapatid ko na rin. Dalawang tao na halos gabi gabi pinagtitiisan ang mga kwentuhang di totoo at totoo, pati yung mga kwentong ayaw nila pakinggan dahil horror. Mga kasama gumastos at magplano ng mga lakad na dinadrawing pa sa sketch pad. Iba yung body clock ko, napilitang ibahin, ngunit nandyan pa rin kayo palagi. Walang nagbago. Yakap na mahigpit, mahal na mahal ko kayo huhuhuhu hahahahaha. 

At syempre kay Ate Joy, ang original best friend ko since childhood na halos buong law school life ko na may midterms at finals ay sinasabayan akong mag-aral kasi bakasyon na siya. Salamat beb, ikaw ang pinaka malaking ambag sa maturity and growth ko as a person (kahit na minsan may mga takot pero parehas naman tayo, so atleast diba? magkasama hihihi).

ANYWAY iend na natin tong segment na to dahil ubos na ang time natin for sponsors at hindi na to bayad. Charot.

There were a few bumps, but still I am thankful for the year 2021. 

Until 2022 came, and I welcomed the year coughing. What I thought was an innocent cough from consuming way too many sweets over the holidays was actually me having COVID-19. 

Had our RT-PCR test last January 3. But by that time, I know deep inside it was something else already. I was already struggling with how to do my last minute reading. more like cramming. Morning of January 4, when I tested positive on the saliva test. 

By afternoon, I found out that the bar coverage had been reduced and so is the number of days of the bar exam itself.  Jurists Bar Review Center adjusted our pre-week/month review days accordingly. But I just slept almost the whole day, since I know I will need the strength. 

It was during that same week when Omicron peeked. So the results came in days later, January 7 to be exact. Unlike before, we only had to be in home quarantine for 10 days. Oh, my parents got it too. Like me, other than coughing, colds and sore throat, we were blessed that we did not have any other symptom. 

Alam niyo, COVID-19 is so unfair! For months, halos di ako lumabas ng bahay. Dahil nga reviewing. Lumabas lang yata talaga ko nung nagpagawa ako ng salamin kasi sumasakit na yung ulo ko, at yung nagbakasyon kami dahil birthday. Pero halos never ako lumabas. Siguro sa deliveries no? Sa mga shapi at luhzada na yan. Nako talaga. Ingat pa rin tayo ngayon pls.

And a week later, an announcement moving the bar on Feb 4 and 6 was made. It felt like a blessing in disguise. 

See, the universe was telling me THIS IS NOT FOR YOU but I still had that optimism to program myself that I WAS NOT HERE JUST TO BE HERE, ALL OF THESE ARE JUST PART OF HIS ELABORATE PLAN. A GREAT PART OF THE STORY I SHALL TELL IN THE FUTURE. (hahaha, look at me now).

Had to wake up before 8AM (lecture days) and had to stopped studying by 6PM, 8PM the latest. The coughing was tolerable in the morning, a huge thanks to my parents who reminded me to drink my vitamins. Especially for taking that berocca and even chewing/eating that oregano leaf, thank you mama it was truly a game-changer and for papa for always making sure I had my bimpo sa likod and that my new study/quarantine room was well-ventilated. Plus to the friends who reached out and send food, thank you tita momsh and tita hacker. And for everyone who prayed for me when they found out. 

But the nights, those nights in bed was where I struggled. My coughing was at its worst. It came to the point that I will at my furbaby Poochie and wonder “will this be my last cough?” “Will I still make it tomorrow?” “Can I still make it to my lecture?” “Can I still absorb things?” I would often joke about it to Lucille saying, “what if wala na ko bukas?” Inooverthink ko rin yung mama kong senior and papa na almost senior na rin, paano kami? At yung mga naka close contact namin. Oha! It was COVID-19 vs STUDYING THE BAR. 

Pero gaya noong una, hangga't kaya ilalaban. Ang layo ko na eh, ngayon pa ba?

Miraculously, I made it out alive. We all did. Was able to attend all the lectures. Read the last minute tips, a huge thanks to my AHRC family. Huge thank you to the San Beda Alabang Bar Ops, Ateneo Human Rights Center, and my friends Anja & Gelo for the bar pabaon. Thanks also to my batch’s Support System GC and to my dear friend Ate Kash and Tina, for the last minute reminders and tips. Aral wise, I made it because of them. The universe was shouting that I should start panicking, but it was because of them that I was able to focus and fight. Laban lang talaga. Mga hindi nakalimot, taos pusong pasasalamat po.

Was scheduled for a mandatory antigen test two days before the first day of the bar exam. It was nerve-wracking! I called out every saint I could recall at that moment while waiting for the result. It was the longest 10 minutes (more or less) of my life.

I then tested out negative. I was set. I can finally take the bar exam. I am given that chance. I am lucky. You see, like most of those who got COVID-19, what we were after was really just to be given a chance to take the bar. So after testing negative, I finally felt relieved. 

What is this story without another plot twist. I cherished that negative antigen test, that I again had to undergo the test on Feb 4, the first day of exam! 

As an overthinker who signed the Honor Code, I truthfully answered the Health Declaration form. So since I was still coughing, aftermath of COVID, I was asked to be tested again. 

I saw my parents panicking at that moment sa tapat ng Andrew sa DLSU. Mama had to go near me at that time, told them they don’t need to worry since I too would not want to think about it. I am sure I will test negative. Though I was a bit nervous, cause you know “what if hindi talaga to para sayo self? tigil na ba tayo?” but then “HOY BASAHIN MO NA YANG LMT MO SAYANG PRINT MO!” It was the internal struggle of: TOLD YOU THIS IS NOT FOR YOU vs HEY DON’T GIVE UP NOW, YOU’RE ALMOST THERE! 

Tested negative again. Thanks Auntie Jen for the nerve wracking experience. I hope to never see you again (well, had to pala during the signing, pero wala cool na kami nung time na to, so no need to panic na). 

But since I was coughing, I had to take the exams at the designated isolation area.

With two other examinees, I took the first computerized bar exam in the PH ever. 

While answering the afternoon exam, I got goosebumps. I recognized the pattern. Somehow, I know the possibility of who the examiner is. Gut feel? I dunno. Maybe it was my brain telling me that, this familiarity is because you took subjects under her. This is your chance to make her proud, please, AYSUIN MO BAKA BAWIIN NIYA ANG GRADE MO as she said during that longest recit experience I’ve had in my entire law school journey. The pressure was there. But I felt comforted by the fact that if my hunch was true, I was still guided by her somehow. That once again, she gave me a second chance. A miracle. 

Mama, Papa, and Poochie welcomed me outside Andrew. I felt good as I told them how it went, but on our way home with a throbbing headache and was very nauseated. Turned out I was just hungry. So after having a Jollibee feast, I was okay. Hehehe. 

Waking up the following day became a struggle. Started studying at the afternoon. Went to sleep late. And I sincerely prayed to St Jude, Black Nazarene, and Our Mother Perpetual Help to give me a miracle, to help me in my desperate case. 

Woke up to a UP LMT. Printed it. Read it. Oha, they listen. Tiwala lang.

Though the most difficult, I answered the final exam seamlessly. Like I am not confident with my answer, but I will provide you a well crafted answer based on my Jurists mock bar exams (Another huge thanks to my mentor Atty. Fojas who repeatedly pointed out my faults and errors so that come exam day, I shall not repeat the same). 

Though I had a hard time, I am at peace that after everything I was given a chance to fight. 

Days later, a friend asked me about my plans. On what field to pursue. On where to work. This is for a different story, but I was strongly influenced by her to be working at where I am employed right now. Thanks besh Ala Mei and Movids. 

It was not even a month for me yet, and it somehow felt I was faced with another problem. I started working and was very confident that the bar exam result will not be coming out anytime soon. Suddenly, the self-doubts came back like an old friend when we found out that results will be out on May 12. Working was truly a great distraction. 

Reported on site and was doing field work when results came out. Felt the seven stages of grief in that whole almost one hour car ride. I was so afraid that I might know the result while in that grab car and just start sobbing while in it too. Nakakahiya kay kuya grab. I can recall passing by Guadalupe with the Leni billboard, mas ramdam kong any moment, tutulo na yung luha.

But then, just when I was about to go down. I saw a friend calling. Jackie is that kind of friend who will call immediately whatever the result is. And so when I saw that it was her that was calling, I already accepted the fact that my first salary will have to go to paying fees for my review center and bar fees again. 

But then, with her high pitched voice she said: CONGRATULATIONS ATTY. That’s when I started crying. Apologies to the kuya guards who got alarmed at my reaction, hehehe. But they were the first ones who congratulated me face to face. So, thank you po. Thanks Jackie, ily vv much.

The next call was a crying ANNIELLE saying congratulations. The same Annielle who almost never showed me a moment of weakness. So I was again crying that time! Was not even expecting a call from her since she said that she was busy at that time, but she went outside her work place just to congratulate me. It was so meaningful that I just had to cry. Actually di ako sure kung umiiyak ba siya talaga or yung boses niya lang, pero naiyak na ko eh. Wala na tuloy tuloy na talaga. Hahahaha. 

At this point, I am worried on why parents are not calling me? Tried calling mama, but she was not answering. Si papa rin. What if hindi lang ako ang may ganitong pangalan na nagtake at pumasa diba? Hala!

The third call was from my best friend ABIGAIL. She was in a hurry actually since she still needs to post her message for me. Jokingly I said that she should be the one to thank on my behalf since it was her who made the post. She never did tho, kainis. Hahahahha. 

Then came the congratulatory messages, one from my bishi Tina. Had to panic since she never mentioned anything else. Akala ko ako lang. Gaga ka talaga Tina. Sana aware ka.

Before lunch break for the government office, I finally had a chance to talk to mama. She was screaming, crying, and is basically overjoyed just like me. But I had to end the call fast since I still need to do my work. Thanks BIR NO, kahit ang layo mo, kasama ka na sa kwentong ito.

And afterwards were conversations with TITA HIDY, TITA JOSIE, TITA NING, and BRYAN. I also received a call from TITA DELIA, ANJA and GELO. 

It was truly a remarkable occasion. But if I'm being honest, more than the joy of passing what was more prevailing was the pain of knowing some of my friends did not pass. On separate days, I had to cry when I had to chance to chat and/or talk to them. I made it, so why didn’t you. I, the procrastinator, made it. Why didn’t you. It felt so unfair. Like I can’t be truly happy knowing that I have friends who failed to make it.

Work was a distraction. I was satisfied with the results. Over time it felt like, “well, about time.” “Finally!” “At last!” 

My whole life, I was the Jassy project dahil simula pa lang, I am living for one dream. Dumami na ang failures, and there I was still a project. Pero ngayong narating ko na ang dulo, ako’y taos pusong nagpapasalamat. 

Hindi nabago ng isang eksamen o resulta kung ano ang tunay kong pagkato, ang mga paniniwala at prinsipyo ko sa buhay. Marahil nadagdagan lamang ng responsibilidad sa pamilya at sa lipunan, pati yung paminsang pag tawag o kabit titulo sa unahan ng pangalan, ngunit ganito pa rin naman ako - tumatawa sa sariling joke, isang EXO-L, furmom ni Poochie, anak ni Alice at Lido, kapatid ni Aj at Manell, auntie ninang ni Marcus at Mavi. 

Hindi pa rin naman pinapansin ni Annielle ang mga jokes ko, buti nalang nandyan si Mara. Paminsan naman ay tumatawa na si bunso Gel sa mga sinesend kong joke. Di pa rin naman maayos ang body clock namin ni Lucille. Magastos pa rin naman kami ni Tita Momsh. Tanggap pa rin naman ako nina Abby, Jenica, at Jia kahit na hindi nagbago ang kakulitan ko. 

Sa opisina, hindi pa naman ako napapagalitan ng mga boss ko, di pa naman ako tinutusok ng pencil ni Tina, paminsan ay naiintindihan pa rin naman nina Pau, Lour, Lem at Edu ang mga kwento at biro ko, paminsan nga’y nagkkwentuhan na kami ni Marla tungkol sa musicals at dramas, pati ni Lei sa mga love life niya (oo plural), at ngayon may bago kaming kukulitin si Boss Akeem. 

Hindi man ito fully ang pinangarap kong kasalukuyan, ipinagpapasalamat ko pa rin dahil sa mga personal na biyaya aking natanggap. Perhaps, sabi nga ni Maria sa Sound of Music, SOMEWHERE IN MY YOUTH OR CHILDHOOD I MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING GOOD kasi nga nangyari pa rin. Lord, natigil na yung paulit ulit kong dasal, naipagadya niyo na rin po. Walang katapusang pasasalamat sa Inyo, pati na rin po sa mga magulang, kamag-anak, kakilala at kaibigan na pinagadasal ako. Sabi nga ni St. Benedict, Ora et Labora, collective at paulit ulit na dalangin  at masinsinang pag sunod sa study sched at pag-attend ng lectures. Kaya salamat po, salamat. 

Sa mga minamahal kong namayapa na kay Kenneth na isa sa mga naging close friend ko sa ALS, baaaks yah ghorl did it. Alam ko namang ito rin ang wish mo para sakin, hanggang sa magkita tayo ulit, sana proud ka. At lalo na sina Nanay Lilia, Kuya Thor at Kuya Eteng, hello po pasensya na po't hindi niyo na po ako naabutan pero ito naman po ako ngayon. Alam ko pong nag extra prayer vigil kayo dyan. Mahal ko po kayo, wag po kayong mananakot okay na yong dasal dasal lang tayo tska yung mapapanaginipan, pero hanggang dun lang po muna ah? 

Pwede na ulit akong mangarap at magsimulang bumuo ng bagong pangarap. At hindi pa rin magpapahinga hangga’t hindi ko pa magawang muling ipagmalki na ako’y isang Filipino. But for now, magiging non showbiz jowa na lang muna ako, matutulog, at magrereport oonsite sa work ng dalawang beses kada linggo (or depende sa schedule na ibibigay samin ni HG hahahaha). 

Sabi nga sa meme na sinave ko years ago, STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM, NOW WE LITTLE (TINY BIT) ABOVE THE BOTTOM. 

Ito nga’t totoo na, matapos ang halos siyam na taon, NOW IT’S TIME TO KISS AWAY THOSE TEARS GOODBYE.

Ako po si JASSY, isang procrastinator, tumatawa sa sarili niyang joke, at isang EXO-L ganap na pong abogado. 

tl;dr

Dear Procrastinator, 

I wish to tell that for as long as you put your heart and soul into the things you've been dreaming of, somehow, God will make it true. Since you've procrastinated, just don't expect that you'll get lucky on your first try. It may take a couple of tries, but you'll still make it somehow. I'm sure, cause I did.  

Love, Jassy.