The year that could've been easily be the best year of my life, but didn't.
IS THIS PURGATORY?
When I said that 2019 was my best year yet, I did not expect that 2020 would be the exact opposite.
Being the youngest child not gifted with anything that my parents can easily be proud of, growing up, I was trying so hard to always see the light in everything, to always think of the "well, at least." I was that kid because it made me feel like I was in charge of my own happiness.
Despite the global pandemic happening, in the. beginning - I was doing "okay", since I know that good things will happen soon. In the grand scheme of things, so many good things personally happened to me from the beginning of year (January to February) despite all of the natural disasters and chaotic state of our nation, that (maybe) the universe found out and very mataray-ly said "aba, saya ka?"
I FAILED
The silver lining that I was hoping and praying for failed to materialize. Apparently, I was putting so much pressure for that to actually happen that it didn't. I've become too dependent on it, that it felt like my whole world crushing down dramatically with a whole Titanic ship sinking orchestra present and playing.
I CRIED MY HEART OUT
If I knew what a heartbreak felt like, I guess, it's what I've experienced. I've let my family down, and that to me is worse than any other thing.
I PROCRASTINATE MY WAY OUT
High school thought me algebra and physics (and so many other classes), but what I've retained is my talent for procrastinating. In relation to that fucking glorified resiliency that every Filipino must have developed from our experience from the government and from years under colonization, as well as the innately Catholic way of thinking to always see the good in everything, I was okay, or so I thought since I was doing everything and anything else that I can, for my mind to be occupied and not dwell on the present problem.
I may have relied to someone - whose fictional existence have effortlessly and unexpectedly comforted me through those dark days. While I was looking and patiently waiting for a beacon of light, said fictional character became of great help.
But then, as a recurring theme for this year, shit happens!
Because of the thoughtless words and hates thrown at said fictional character, one minute future plans were made, in a heartbeat, they were gone. To say that it was devastating was an understatement. I was trying (maybe still am trying) to look for answers to questions I was so afraid to ask. I feel so helpless.
Thank goodness for the vastness of the internet and I have found a new source of hope, though equipped with dark comedy and horror stories. This time though, I am trying my very best not to get *too* attached.
Though the fictional character is back (who knows for how long this time), I am scared to be happy. The absence caused me to be cautious on trusting and by truly enjoying things. I guess it will take time. Though I appreciate the return, and the same is very welcomed, I still have that anxiety that one day the said fictional character will disappear like a bubble again. Right now, it feels like I am living on borrowed time.
BUT HEY I'M OKAY
If at this point you're worried about me, don't. I was writing and is editing and updating this on separate days, I have moments of sadness and grief for it is only through the pain that everything feels real, at most times - I am perfectly fine. I still fangirl over EXO (and now with Seventeen and NCT and Super Junior too), I still watch movies, I still religiously do my Korean skincare routine, I've been drawing more and doing more artsy fartsy on my bullet journal entries and covers, I am updated with the kdramas, and sometimes I still read books. See? I am perfectly normal and happy and fine. But I am not giving myself the full credit, for truly it was through my family - with my nephew especially, my bestfriend Abigail noonah, and my friends that helped me.
CSSG KIDS
We, the abandoned and forgotten found solace with each other. This year, in the beginning of this pandemic, I am grateful to have made new sister-like friends - Ate Kim, Ann, and Gel, the three girls who would now begin to live with my moments of talkativeness, plus Ms. Yani the captain of us - the sinking ship, who would miraculously save us from spiraling and drowning.
I am always grateful for EXO for giving me a solid set of high school barkada I can fangirl with, for a local community that I can share the sentiments and relate to experiencing Korea's gift to my sanity, and for the best internet friends to exist exactly at the time we needed each other the most.
HIDING AND CRAWLING TO FIND MYSELF
What happened to me was heartbreaking yes, but it does not signify the end. Delayed maybe, but not a total failure. I am positive that this sad sob story would be that which would encourage me to work harder than ever. Please remind me too, thanks. hahahaha.
For now, I am hiding again from all other responsibilities and enjoying the remaining days before I go back to the hell of my choice. So if I may take time before I reply especially on FBmessenger, I am asking for your patience and understanding. Surely, if it's urgent, you can directly send me a text message or give me a call, I don't mind.
Will I be able to find myself once again? Tbh, it's not really my intention right now. I am undeserving of that luxury others enjoy. My priority right now is to get out of this hellhole I've caused. There are times when I regret the decisions I've made, but at the end of the day, this is all on me.
Sad as it may seem, though my journey seemed to have been set with different voyagers along the way, the quest is mine and mine alone to take and finish. Though sometimes, I can get lucky by meeting amazing wanderers who would often times aid me at the most rare opportunities in this journey, everything is still on me. I am just wishing that someday, like a phoenix, I'll rise from the ashes (right Baek?).
Thank goodness I am still alive and breathing, that my parents are healthy and kicking, that my brother and sister-in-law are becoming great parents, that my nephew has a personality and character of his own that makes him a hundred times more adorable, that my bestfriend is already on her second year at grad school and is doing amazing things everyday which includes finding every gastos and sharing them to me, that my puppers are loyal and naturally sweet, that the Salazar sibs are the best high school crafted barkada I can fangirl with at every point in my life, that the CSSG kids are still chatty and clingy and are finding different ways to virtually bond, that the clingies are trying hard to find the motivation to study while trying to motivate one another, that the clingy girls are adulting and I'm just way too proud of them, that one of my bestfriend is becoming a great dad to her daughter and that her wife is an amazing mom too, that my tito friend is continually exploring and expanding his potential, that my friends are trying to get back and find courage in beginning again, that I am finding and discovering new kpop idols (shoutout to my babies svt and nct), that some of the kuyas of iskoexo are back, THAT KYUNGSOO WENT HOME BEFORE THIS YEAR ENDED AND WILL BE OFFICIALLY FINISHING HIS MILITARY SERVICE ON JANUARY 25, 2021, that EXO is nine and will always will be together, and that the EXO members are just so perfect in every possible way imaginable.
BE KIND
Though living in this country is making it impossible, at times when I still can, I will choose kindness - especially to those whose beliefs are different than with mine. I am opinionated about anything and everything unrelated to me, and I am passionate about it. I guess for 2021, I will have to tone it down and just write it down on my journal (and let that poor journal suffer). Less talk, less mistake.
However, this won't stop me from fighting the good fight. For as long as injustice and human rights violations are made, I'll be there and I am hoping to see you there too.
2021, HELLO STRANGER
Let the blood and suffering we've shed and experienced this 2020 stay and end at this year, and may 2021 give us that strength to fuel through all those 2020 experiences. I am proud of the person that you've become and is trying to be, and hoping that someday I can be proud of me too.
See you at the other side of this war,
No comments:
Post a Comment